Double Nickel

I celebrated turning 18 with my high school buddies, we drank a whole bunch of Budweiser, got sick, told lies, and enjoyed hangovers the next morning. When I turned 21, I was with Gene and Garry, we hit up some cocktail lounges (bars) in the big city of Sacramento, enjoying the free drinks they would give to anyone turning the legal age. I still have the margarita glass I drank from when I actually turned 21, Gene snuck it out of the Peppermill Lounge under his cowboy hat. Really. I took about a month to celebrate my 21st, I was testing the limits drinking, partying, and generally being alive on the planet. It was a good time.

I celebrated my 30th birthday with my oldest son, 5 days old, puking on me and keeping me up for days on end. Despite his making my birthday a sleep deprived, stinky and sticky day, he turned out ok, having graduated college and finding employment. 

When I turned 44, my brother and oldest sister flew in from 'out west' and surprised me. I had to teach that night, so they came with to watch their little brother at work. Later, when I was looking over the practice tests I was going over with my students, I found the one my sister had. On it, she had written a note to my brother "....I didn't know he was this smart"  I assume my brother agreed with her.

11 years later, I am now almost old enough to qualify for the senior menu of most family restaurants. Good grief. I have not really been looking forward to 55. But, I have moved now from denial to acceptance. I'm not ready to embrace 55, that might take awhile. A little at a time, please.

How did I get here? 55. OK, if you have already crossed this bridge, you probably have no sympathy for me. Well, go get your own blog. Knock yourself out. I'll read it.

As for me,  I look back on my life thus far and see a journey that has not been very linear or by the numbers. I have lived, celebrated, mourned, wandered, loved, been fearless and scared. I made and lost friends, lost my dad, my best friend, and too many relatives and friends. I've swept floors for a living, earned some college degrees, picked up some scars you can see and some you can't, and made a fool of myself on occasion. I have witnessed the joy of childbirth, held my nieces as they fell asleep in my lap, comforted some people and scared others.

I have known joy and depression. Loneliness and friendship. I get pissed, dejected, elated and sometimes feel numb.  I marvel at how quickly life changes. 

My mom says that everything happens for a reason. I don't know about that. I just don't. I am convinced that one thing leads to another, and have learned the value of that. The ripple in the pond thing.  I am aware that I cannot change the past but I probably look backwards more than I should. More often than not, I am lead by my heart rather than my head, I believe life is lived in the heart. My intuition may not always be right for others, but it has generally served me well.

 Like most, I do the best I can with what I have. I was raised by loving parents, a mother who was emotionally tender and vulnerable, and a father that was tough as nails with a very sentimental core. They did the best they could. They kept me clothed, fed, and provided a stable home despite the issues they had between them. I tried to apply some lessons learned from them on my sons, and avoided some others. I did the best I could.

So here I am, 55 and looking forward to the next 50 years or so. I still enjoy an occasional beer, am very glad I don't have to change any more diapers, and I can live with being old enough for the senior menu. Out of vanity I'll probably continue to pay full price for awhile though. The driver's license may say I'm 55, but when I'm running down the road on my Magna, I feel 17 again. The wind is at my back, the sun is shining on my face. My heart is leading me down that road. One thing leads to another.